Collecting Thoughts After The Paris Attacks

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November 13^th attack on Paris rattled, horrified and scared me. For people living in large cities like New York, part of the horror was the visceral feeling that it too could happen here, that it could happen to me. It made us fear for our own safety: safety in terms of “our world”, “our nation,” “our city," and ultimately “my life.” This is terrorism defined; the aim of the terrorists is to hold us hostage so that we constantly fear, question our safety, and ask ourselves “what if?” Anxiety, dread and distrust are their invisible weaponry. They work to unravel the fabric of our society: we begin seeing “the other” in each other, whether they are different from us in country of origin, ethnicity, religion, subtle differences in our political positions. We are meant to come undone; the collective sense of us is attacked from within. 

Immediately after the attack countless disagreements, confrontations, and “un-friending” occurred on Facebook, one reflective surface of our society. When confronted with personal and collective helplessness we project aggression and fear in the form of righteousness, outrage and certainty onto others. We use social media as an outlet to deal with our unprocessed anxieties and shout at each other that there is a correct way to feel, respond and display our discomfort. 

In the real world, however, we have to manage our feelings privately. Perhaps there are quieter, more useful ways to consider living with uncertainty of global terrorism.

Accept and acknowledge your fear and anxiety.

Fear for personal safety and safety for loved ones is real; again, this is, sadly, the logic of terrorism. Looking closer at fear there is helplessness; the recognition that we cannot control our immediate environment, that danger lurks everywhere. Acknowledge that this is an universal experience for the human animal when faced with uncertainty of physical harm. Acknowledging these uncomfortable feelings to ourselves is necessary so that we can contain it and prevent it from running amok. 

Share your feelings with others.

In times of collective fear, talking about your anxieties with friends, family and neighbors will help contextualize the experience. Recognizing that that anxiety and fear is a universal, shared reaction helps us contain the fear individually and strengthen personal connections at the same time. Another positive part of talking about it is that maybe you and your friends and family will come up with a plan in the event something like this happens in your city. Sharing can also look like a joining a march or a demonstration, connecting with a larger community of people going through similar reactions.

Empathize. 

This is an obvious one but recognize that families and friends of the attack victims are grieving and mourning (this is especially painful because majority of the victims were so young). The injured, the bystanders and witnesses, and all of Paris and France, will undoubtedly struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and other forms of intense fear and anxiety. Parisians and French citizens who are Muslim will face additional hardship of being associated with the attackers because of their “shared” religion; they will be confronted with suspicion, racism, and anger, all byproducts of fear. 

Empathize. 

When dealing with others’ seemingly unreasonable reactions that are different from yours rather than being reactive — acting on your gut feelings and thinking how can they be so “stupid,” “racist,” or “ignorant” try reframing their reaction from various personal limitations they could be dealing with. For someone who already feels helpless, an event like this delivers a double punch: their existing vulnerabilities could be triggered on top of the collective vulnerability.  

Get informed. 

I know there is another school of thought which says we should limit our exposure to news and world events that can de-center us. We are to focus our attention solely on our particular experiences and not get “wound up” in negativity that can make us feel helpless or hopeless. But there is a different way. Being firmly grounded in our personal lives and values anchors us and allows us to be lead by curiosity. Staying current with world events enriches us with a more nuanced view of the world and help us feel that we are part of history. And we will inevitably learn that we are all connected, not just in the “spiritual” sense but in more concrete ways, helping us become more empathic with one another.

Reflect on the nature of LIFE: life is framed by birth and death.

The tragedy of Paris show us how quickly a life can be extinguished. Reflecting on the inevitability of death is a Buddhist way to help us to not get attached to fear. By framing fear around the certainty of death, it helps us re-contextualize our troubling reactions to uncertainty of living in the age of global terror. It can also leads us to a deeper appreciation of life, the knowledge that being present, or being mindful, with ourselves, our loved ones, and the world is in essence all we have; it is what we call life.

Let's Review Marijuana

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Nearly every day another state or country makes the news as it considers legalizing marijuana. Here in New York City you can smell it just about everywhere around the clock in the most unexpected places. It's so common, so easy to find, many do not consider it a "drug." Consensus is that it's not bad for you.

Furthermore, there are scientific and medical studies that say marijuana, even when used regularly, is essentially harmless without long-term consequences. Celebrities readily share, endorse, promote and celebrate marijuana. 

But is it really a problem? 

Clients say they enjoy smoking marijuana in the following ways: 

• Lowered anxiety, a feeling of calm and peace
• Makes their troubles and worries go away temporarily
• Helps them sleep
• It enlivens the senses: movies are funnier, music sounds better, sex feels more intense, food tastes more delicious
• Life feels less dull 
• They become more imaginative, more creative
• Helps them connect to a higher level of consciousness
• One young client even told me that it cures cancer; it doesn't 

However, regular smokers of marijuana also admit there are problems. Biggest complaint is that it lowers their cognitive/mental functioning; they can't think clearly immediately after and even hours and days after smoking. 

These are common problems clients experience with regular use: 

• Memory problems, mostly short-term
• Low mood: feeling irritable, anxious, more on edge
• Tiredness, feeling groggy and cloudy 
• Decreased motivation and increased procrastination
• Feelings of numbness, less inclined to feel happy
• Coughing and chest congestion

These are what we professionals call withdrawal symptoms. 

And there are more serious problems linked to marijuana. I've met people for whom it triggered a psychotic breakdown even after trying it just once. It's a rare occurrence, but it does happen.

For others, they say marijuana makes them anxious, paranoid, and self-conscious. So they stay away from it. 

In my experience, I've learned that for people who already struggle with anxiety and depression regular marijuana use produces unwanted, unpleasant feelings, as it exacerbates pre-existing sensitivities. 

Clients seek help to cut back or even stop using marijuana because they can’t do it on their own. They recognize that negative effects outweigh the positive and want to feel and function better.

Obviously a discussion on abuse, dependence and addiction needs to happen, and I will continue to explore this subject.

If you feel you have a problem with marijuana, first step is to to ask yourself what you are getting from it and what it’s taking away, in other words, look at the pros and cons. 

Drinking in America

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When a client comes to me because they are drinking too much, the first thing we do is we evaluate how much and how often they drink. Part of this exploration is to educate the client on health effects of alcohol and to understand the difference between healthy drinking and high-risk or problem drinking. And after the initial screening/evaluation, we then go on to look at other parts of their lives, to see what is contributing to excessive drinking and what the consequences are. This isn't an easy process, but a necessary one.

Often, clients are shocked when they learn that their drinking habit falls into the "problem or high-risk drinking" and, that they often binge drink. What may seem like a typical night out turns out to be a binge drinking session! (For women, binge drinking is drinking 5 or more units of alcohol in one session, and for men it's 7 or more.) For most people, I think, binge drinking is associated with college drinking. But this is not so.

Unfortunately, most Americans don't know what problem drinking looks like and dismiss their own heavy drinking until something bad happens. The fact is chronic heavy drinking shortens life and lowers the quality of life.

Here are some facts culled from recent findings about drinking in America.

• New England, Pacific coast, West and Midwest are the regions with the highest rates of alcohol consumption and the largest number of problem drinkers. 
• Young women on college campuses binge drink more than male students. Between 2005 and 2012 binge drinking rate for women increased by 17.5%. For men it increased by 4.9%. 
• Americans are drinking more, but it's not that more people are drinking. Alarmingly, people who drink are drinking more: 56% (some polls say 64%) of Americans report drinking regularly. Between 2005 and 2012 binge drinkers increased from 9% to 18.3%. 
• Regular churchgoers (47%) drink compared to 69% of those who don't. 
• 30 to 49 year olds drink the most. (So much for the stereotype.) 
• More whites (non-Hispanic) (69%) drink than nonwhites (52%). 
• More men (69%) drink than women (59%). 
• Wealthier and better educated Americans drink more. "8 in 10 upper-income, college grads drink, compared to about half of lower-income Americans." 
• Wealthy people drink more regularly but binge less often than their poorer counterparts.

The bottom line is that alcohol causes far greater harm than drugs. By CDC's estimation, between 2006-2010, 88,000 people died annually from complications from alcohol, while 38,329 died from drug overdoses in 2010.

Individually, persistent or chronic problem drinking is associated with depression and anxiety, decline in social and professional functioning (missing work or school, decreased productivity, social isolation, frequent arguing and fighting). Nationally this becomes a $249 billion problem each year in lost productivity and costs to cover treatment and crimes resulting from alcohol. Ultimately we all have to pay.

How We Learn to Self-Medicate

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It is said that in any AA or NA meeting 60% of its group members will have experienced some form of abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) as a child. Childhood abuse is a good indicator of later substance abuse and addiction. 

Recently I posted about ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study which showed that early adverse experiences, or traumas, predict adult physical and mental health problems that ultimately lead to early death. Adult substance abuse is one such consequence, in addition to smoking and obesity.

In this context, I've been thinking a lot of about validation. To validate simply means recognizing another person's experience of an emotion and their reaction.

If a friend is crying because his dog recently died, I would validate by saying something like "I see that you are really sad" or "You are really missing Buster." In my wanting to help, I might instinctively want to problem solve or advise him so he feels less hurt. I will get there, but first and foremost I acknowledge that his sadness is real and valid.

Imagine a little girl falls and scrapes her knee, and she cries. Her mother or caretaker hopefully will say something like "Oh, no, you fell. Come and let me look at it" or "Let me see. I think it's going to be okay." Both statements indirectly validate that an accident has happened and that the little girl's reaction is valid. But, another parent might simply order the child to stop crying, or say something like "I told you not to run" or "This is what happens when you misbehave by running." 

In a dysfunctional or abusive family, a child's feelings and reactions are invalidated, as the latter examples illustrate. It doesn't seem so bad when looking at just one example, but when it is long-established pattern, parental invalidation teaches the child that her feelings, especially negative ones, can't and shouldn't be felt or expressed. 

The same girl might grow to ignore, disregard, deny or avoid her feelings, especially uncomfortable ones like sadness, anger, shame, guilt, boredom, loneliness, even though they are part of every person's experience.

Enter alcohol and drugs, which in the short-term help her avoid unpleasant feelings. Repeat this way of coping and a dependence and addiction develops. And a cycle of self-medication begins: Immediate relief from unpleasant feelings followed by intensification of those feelings, and so on...

Surviving Mother's Day Without Mother

Depending on your history Mother's Day can be a mere annoyance or day you want to hide out under the covers. Maybe you lost your mother as a child or as an adult, or your relationship with your mother is beyond repair and you are mutually estranged, or you were adopted and you aren't quite sure how you to make sense of your relationship to your mother(s).

Below are some ideas to help you get through the day. Or they may help you alone in the process of mourning or reconciliation.

1. Acknowledge your feelings When you pause to reflect you may feel many feelings at once, which can be deeply uncomfortable especially if you've never processed your relationship to your mother. You may feel overwhelmed and confused or even conflicted. It's okay. Feelings rise to the surface and they dissipate. Cry if you need to.
   
2. Try not to feel resentful
   No doubt you will see families of various configurations on their way to wherever they are going to celebrate. You will encounter displays of love and affection. As difficult as it may be, try your best to feel happy for them. Recognize you are only seeing the surface and it's impossible to know the backstory.
   
3. Establish a ritual
   If possible arrange to get together with your siblings, other family members or friends who remember your mother. Or, if you are alone, think back and engage in something that remind you of your mother in a positive way. Did your mother like to eat or cook a particular meal? What was her favorite flower? Was there an activity you did with your mother? If it's not too painful, hold or look at mementos or photos that remind you of your mother.
   
4. Connect with your mother
   Write a letter or journal and tell her about how you feel. Tell her you miss her. Tell her something she might be proud of. Dig deep and try to connect and communicate your feelings and thoughts and feelings.
   
5. Get spiritual
   If you are religious attend a church service, light a candle, or say a prayer. Read a book or articles about the lasting connection between mothers and children. Death itself is not final. People may cease to exist in this material world but they continue to exist in memories of the living.
   
6. Nurture
   Obviously if you are a mother, this is a no-brainer, but for others without children, like Anna Jarvis, explore different options that will allow you to care for and nurture others. If you have a pet, be extra attentive and gentle. It could be simple as watering and tending your plants with extra care or maybe you will decide to volunteer to give a part of yourself to others in need.
   
7. Self care If you find yourself feeling sad, empty or lonely, or just plain confused, avoid activities that numb or tune you out from the world and yourself. Self-numbing behaviors can include drinking excessively, using drugs, compulsively surfing the internet or binge watching anything. At its base, self care is recognizing that you operate as a system. And systems require regular maintenance for it to operate optimally. Be sure to get enough sleep, feed yourself regularly, move your body, and connect with nature or whatever you do to feel grounded and solid. Ask yourself what how would your mother take care of you? And, if you were a mother how would you care for your child?
   
8. Distract
   If you lost your mother or broke off with your mother recently and your feelings are too raw, it may be tempting to ruminate or dwell on grief, anger, disappointment, regret, or some combination of difficult feelings. Try to plan ahead and schedule activities, and write them down. Putting them on paper will make it more likely that you will follow through with your plans. 

History of Mother's Day Ironically the woman responsible for making Mother's Day a national holiday never married nor had children of her own. To honor the memory of her own mother Anna Jarvis made it her project to make Mother's Day a national holiday. Her dedication finaly paid off in 1914 when president Woodrow Wilson declared second Sunday of May as Mother's Day. Not long after, however, Jarvis became disillusioned by its co-optation by commercial interests (florists, card companies, department stores) and she unsuccessfully tried to take Mother's Day off the national calendar.