Surviving Mother's Day Without Mother

Depending on your history Mother's Day can be a mere annoyance or day you want to hide out under the covers. Maybe you lost your mother as a child or as an adult, or your relationship with your mother is beyond repair and you are mutually estranged, or you were adopted and you aren't quite sure how you to make sense of your relationship to your mother(s).

Below are some ideas to help you get through the day. Or they may help you alone in the process of mourning or reconciliation.

1. Acknowledge your feelings When you pause to reflect you may feel many feelings at once, which can be deeply uncomfortable especially if you've never processed your relationship to your mother. You may feel overwhelmed and confused or even conflicted. It's okay. Feelings rise to the surface and they dissipate. Cry if you need to.
   
2. Try not to feel resentful
   No doubt you will see families of various configurations on their way to wherever they are going to celebrate. You will encounter displays of love and affection. As difficult as it may be, try your best to feel happy for them. Recognize you are only seeing the surface and it's impossible to know the backstory.
   
3. Establish a ritual
   If possible arrange to get together with your siblings, other family members or friends who remember your mother. Or, if you are alone, think back and engage in something that remind you of your mother in a positive way. Did your mother like to eat or cook a particular meal? What was her favorite flower? Was there an activity you did with your mother? If it's not too painful, hold or look at mementos or photos that remind you of your mother.
   
4. Connect with your mother
   Write a letter or journal and tell her about how you feel. Tell her you miss her. Tell her something she might be proud of. Dig deep and try to connect and communicate your feelings and thoughts and feelings.
   
5. Get spiritual
   If you are religious attend a church service, light a candle, or say a prayer. Read a book or articles about the lasting connection between mothers and children. Death itself is not final. People may cease to exist in this material world but they continue to exist in memories of the living.
   
6. Nurture
   Obviously if you are a mother, this is a no-brainer, but for others without children, like Anna Jarvis, explore different options that will allow you to care for and nurture others. If you have a pet, be extra attentive and gentle. It could be simple as watering and tending your plants with extra care or maybe you will decide to volunteer to give a part of yourself to others in need.
   
7. Self care If you find yourself feeling sad, empty or lonely, or just plain confused, avoid activities that numb or tune you out from the world and yourself. Self-numbing behaviors can include drinking excessively, using drugs, compulsively surfing the internet or binge watching anything. At its base, self care is recognizing that you operate as a system. And systems require regular maintenance for it to operate optimally. Be sure to get enough sleep, feed yourself regularly, move your body, and connect with nature or whatever you do to feel grounded and solid. Ask yourself what how would your mother take care of you? And, if you were a mother how would you care for your child?
   
8. Distract
   If you lost your mother or broke off with your mother recently and your feelings are too raw, it may be tempting to ruminate or dwell on grief, anger, disappointment, regret, or some combination of difficult feelings. Try to plan ahead and schedule activities, and write them down. Putting them on paper will make it more likely that you will follow through with your plans. 

History of Mother's Day Ironically the woman responsible for making Mother's Day a national holiday never married nor had children of her own. To honor the memory of her own mother Anna Jarvis made it her project to make Mother's Day a national holiday. Her dedication finaly paid off in 1914 when president Woodrow Wilson declared second Sunday of May as Mother's Day. Not long after, however, Jarvis became disillusioned by its co-optation by commercial interests (florists, card companies, department stores) and she unsuccessfully tried to take Mother's Day off the national calendar.

How to Beat the Holiday Blues

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Thanksgiving is the first of the triple threat (Christmas and New Year's complete the trifecta) that can make you sing the holiday blues... If you are like me making "happy happy" during this time can actually be a real downer. If there are family conflicts (who doesn't?) the obligatory joy and gladness can seem like one big fat cruel joke. In addition, if you are struggling with relationships, work, money or going through a significant life-changing event (breakup, divorce, death of a loved one) you feel you want to skip the festivities. However, non-participation may not be an option. And for others the possibility of spending any of these holiday without family and friends can them into a dark and lonely place.

Here are some tips for avoiding emotional fallout this holiday season. 

1. Recognize physical symptoms of depression and anxiety. Emotional distress begins in the body. If you feel exhausted and tired look inward to see if it's psychological or physical. Anxiety can manifest as stomach upset, insomnia, irritability or jumpiness. Again, take an inventory. Identifying and understanding physical symptoms is the first step in addressing them. Whether the source is emotional or physical, you can do something about them.

2. Ask yourself what the symptoms mean. If they are physical, slow down, rest, change your diet etc... If they are psychological in origin ask yourself what are these feelings and what do they mean? Are you trying to suppress or ignore feelings of guilt, obligation, resentment and anger, or any other negative emotion?

3. Be kind to yourself and others. If you don't feel well and cranky maybe going to a holiday party isn't the best idea as it may make you feel worse. Sitting out a party or a gathering can be the kinder thing for yourself and for others; you are sparing negative energy from people you love and like. Listen to your inner voice even if it's saying something out of the ordinary.

4. Talk it out with your therapist, friends and family (not at the party or the dinner). Engage, reach out and share your feelings. If other people aren't available, talk to yourself by writing it out in a journal.

5. Go easy with food and drink. Alcohol will certainly amplify whatever you are feeling and overindulging will actually worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression and decrease the quality of sleep. As for food, gaining extra weight is much easier and more fun than losing it, so practice moderation.

6. Get your sleep and exercise. Enough said.

7. Be proactive. If you know you are going to be alone research and plan ahead activities. Do you have books, movies and activities to keep you occupied? Reach out to others who may be also be in the same boat.

8. Lower your expectations, or at least make realistic your expectations of the holiday season. Norman Rockwell's version of American holiday experience is aspirational at best. 

9. Create your own rituals even if it's just for this year. Maybe Santa Claus will no longer be welcomed in your home. Rather than receiving maybe Christmas is just about giving nonmaterial things. Go ahead and create your own activities based on YOUR values.

10. Be mindful. Holidays come around once a year and for some it is a season of fun and celebration. Acknowledge their right as your own. Also, be mindful that, thank god, they come around just once a year and this too shall pass. 

Suicides in Spring

I found this article titled “Clues in the Cycle of Suicides” in the New York Times. It dispels a popular belief about suicides: it is during spring and early summer when suicides peak, not winter, which I thought would be the period with the highest number of suicides. Winter’s long stretches of darkness and cold, along with the holidays that tend to intensify loneliness and isolation contribute to increased symptoms of depression. In contrast, spring brings warmth and a promise of hope with another cycle of natural life.

To explain the connection between spring and suicides, article summarizes very interesting recent research concerning the relationship between inflammation and depression, and the decreased production of melatonin to the spike of symptoms of agitation and mania for those diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression, raising the point that genetics (nature) contributes to development and symptoms of mental illness.

What I found most fascinating was the concept of the “broken promise” syndrome, which I interpret as the feeling of being let down because spring did not eliminate their despair. Maybe the bright cheeriness of spring made despair seem even darker – hopelessness worsened because spring’s promise of hope and renewal did not apply to them, unlike rest of the natural world. Not feeling better in spring became yet another indicator of their emotional and spiritual alienation.

When thinking about it this way, I realize I am only beginning to grasp the enormity of human despair and suffering and the interplay between nature and nurture. But rather than feeling overwhelmed by it I feel emboldened to meeting the challenge of helping people reconnect to themselves and to help them understand that nature does indifferently work against them. In my experience working with clients, understanding the genetics component can help ease the stigma that often comes with a diagnosis and help them take steps toward self-acceptance.

Not So Jolly Holly Holidays

The dreaded season – the trifecta of joy: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's – is just around the corner. For many of us this time period is fraught with anxiety, anticipation, excitement, joy and loneliness. We Americans tend to over eat, over drink, over party, and over spend, and over extend ourselves so that we become more susceptible to physical and emotional illness. We become emotionally more sensitive, partly due to the ever-present alcohol, which amplifies extreme (positive and negative) emotional states. Although I don't have proof, I suspect that many relationships come undone during this time, or couples experience more fights and disagreements, often fueled by effects of alcohol.

It is also the annual celebration of the family. And, at the center of many familial relationships (or, all relationships?) lies ambivalence: annoyance/solace, guilt/love, responsibility/guilt, thoughts of escape/desire to be closer to one's family, all of which can be very confusing. If you are fortunate enough to have a good relationship with your family and the family dynamic is mildly dysfunctional, it can be a wonderful time of reunion, eating together, catching up, and feeling the deep comfort that comes with being with your people. For others, holidays are reminders of the reasons you why you moved away from your people; long-simmering resentments and unspoken grudges come to a head, making family get-togethers an intense exercise of emotional control.

For many of us who are single in New York City, it can be a very trying time, punctuated with loneliness and sense of loss. Some of our families are too far away or too sparse for the annual convergence. And for others, temporary or permanent separation from family, by divorce, death or estrangement, make the holidays very blue. It can really pronounce one's singularity.

And, for those of us with predilection for substance use and depression this can be a challenging period. Over drinking can cause, or make worse, depressive symptoms, and increased alcohol consumption is a hallmark of this period, making it a dangerous season of excess. For this reason, many AA and NA groups are held on the hour, every hour, from late November through early January. The combination of lack of daylight, ubiquitous holiday parties, and mandatory merriment can also push some of us over the edge and into depression. And so a pattern can emerge and spiral out of control — feeling depressed; drinking or drugging to cope or to feel more social; the morning after or the post-weekend blues; feeling depressed...


What I am going to propose isn’t anything new. It’s common sense.


• Moderate your consumption of alcohol and drugs.
• Talk to your friends and family if you start to feel isolated and your mood darkens.
• Make phone calls and use of social media to stay connected.
• Get some exercise, go to the gym, take a yoga class, go for a walk, go run. Doing yoga can be cheap as finding a video on Youtube.
• If you don’t have plans for the holidays let your friends or even your colleagues know.
• Find a group online via Meetup.
• Volunteer at a homeless shelter; this needs to be planned ahead of time.
• Go to church, even if you are an atheist or agnostic, and enjoy the music and the peace.
• Go on vacation.


Any other ideas?