Nymph()maniac Volume 1: Love Is Lust with Jealousy

I really enjoyed this film and looking forward to volume 2. It’s definitely a film, not a movie. There is depiction of sex (simulated and real) with lots of frontal nudity. Sex doubles were used for penetrative sex, as stated in the end credits, to distinguish it from pornography. I think maybe it's because for many people images of naked bodies engaged in sex, independent of director's intentions, will get aroused. Pornography is intended to arouse, but films are not. But, we all know how men love to "read" Victoria’s Secret catalog.

I am not sure what Volume 2 has in store, but I think Lars Von Trier, who is Danish, is looking at sex from a philosophical point of view, as in what it can represent to different people and its many functions, and how it relates to pleasure and pain.

SPOILER ALERT!

Joe, the nymphomaniac, shares/confesses her sexual history to Seligman, an innocent, asexual (so far), rescuer/listener. His passion is fly-fishing and at first likens her compulsive sexual behavior to fishing: studying the environment, learning the behavior of the fish, baiting, hooking and finally catching the prize.

However, as her exploits become more compulsive, he becomes concerned about her her lack of ethics. Joe either ignores or doesn’t care that her sexual compulsions are hurting others, and she constantly lies. Not surprisingly, Joe’s alienation grows in proportion to the frequency of sexual encounters. Like addicts addicted to drugs and alcohol, Joe engages in addictive behaviors to not feel (to stuff her feelings), but over time she needs more and more to maintain feeling "normal."

Joe's best friend/partner in fishing for sex leaves her after falling in love and tells Joe that the secret ingredient to sex is love. In response, Joe says love is just lust with jealousy. But when she does fall in love and finds that love indeed improves sex, she is horrified to discover that she can’t FEEL anything, including love or sexual pleasure.

An aside which I find really interesting: The word nymphomaniac came about in the 18th century and is specific to women. Its counterpart for men is satyriasis, and both words mean abnormal or deviant craving for sex.

The word nymphomania has two roots. Seligman connected nymphomania to the nymph (immature insect) used in fishing. This meaning originates from Greek mythology — nymph is a beautiful young female wood sprite. But the Latinate nymphae refers to the the inner labia of the vagina, and the definition of mania is obvious. Clearly, Joe sees herself as a nymphomaniac in the Latin sense.

Interestingly, Von Trier alludes to electra complex by portraying the mother as emotionally cold and distant. Her father at death’s throes calls for her mother even though it was Joe who had been at his side. The mother appears only after the death and leaves the corpse of her husband without so much a word to Joe. The conflict is too neat; mothers have been blamed for all kinds of neurosis since the invention of psychology. I think a more realistic or nuanced way to explain development of mental illness (including addiction) is inadequate attachment and lack of love. And it's not necessarily just about the parents, it's about the environment as a whole. But I do agree that it is always about the childhood. 

What Kind of Love Do You Desire?

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.  –Thomas Merton

Today being Valentine's Day I thought to write about love.
Oh, how very original.

John Lee, a Canadian psychologist who wrote The Six Colours of Love (it's out of print). It's somewhat like Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving, a book which I read. Fromm's book is a classic, but for cynical New Yorkers it's a bit out there. It's aspirational at best. We all want to cultivate a loving, supportive, mutually dependent relationship. Something would be wrong if we didn't want this.

There is no single ideal way of loving another. At some point we have to decide whether we can be okay with what we don't get from a relationship. We have to deal with the ambivalence — what it is that frustrates us. More on that another time.

In the meantime, here are the six types of LUV.

• Eros: a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love. What is aesthetic enjoyment? Aesthetics is the philosophic study of beauty. You love each other so much you can just enjoy how good looking you are together. This type of love is the mainstay of "date movies," and selling point of everything from cars to perfume.
• Ludus: love as a numbers game, a game of winning hearts. The aim of this sport or past-time is the conquest and so more the merrier. This type of lover is able to love multiple lovers at one time. Perhaps an indication of a narcissistic person trying to fill a big old hole in the heart, or a spiritual void, or sex addiction?
• Storge: an affectionate love based on mutual commitment, which slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity. What an unromantic sounding word. It's Greek and means natural affection, like the affection of a parent toward their child. Probably the type of love that will endure and the basis for our notion of "marriage." Passion becomes familiarity and bears true friendship. Probably what keeps couples together for 50 years plus.
• Pragma: Head over heart. Love that is akin to a coalition or corporation. You agree on your core values and assign duties and responsibilities and march towards the end. And, the end justifies the means. The end is beneficial to both partners, whether it is mutual gain of power and prestige or 2.5 children, new Lexus every year and a summer home in the Hamptons. The Clintons, and Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin come to mind.
• Mania: The stuff of novels, poetry and opera from a few centuries ago. It was common lovers out of jealous passion committed suicide and even killed their rivals (it still happens.) Men would have duels with firearms or blades. Now, it's considered more of a female problem and deemed unhealthy and pathological. Even at the height of Romanticism passion slid into the darker ideé fixe.  What we term codependency is at the lighter end of manic love. Jealousy and possessiveness are its markers. To paraphrase Andrew Solomon, a little mental illness can be a good thing. A bit of jealousy and possessiveness is okay, as long as it doesn't become violent and stalky.
• Agape: I think this is the most idealistic form of love. It's all about being selfless, sacrificing, accepting, giving without expectations. It's unconditional love. It sounds unrealistic and dated. In fact, it is very dated. It is the basic principle of Christian love, embodied in the historical/mythical figure of Jesus. And he was martyr numero uno.