Holidays, even Hallmark holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, can be difficult for those of us with atypical childhoods. Rather than a celebration these "holidays" can, if not downright depressing, be a reminder that you are missing out on something, that you aren’t quite normal. This is how it feels. However, if you look at statistics, father-absent households in the US are quite common (one in three children). Still, if you have lost your father or never had a father to begin with statistics will not soothe how you feel.
Loss is part of everyone’s experience. At times, especially like today, Father’s Day, your loss can feel significant. You feel life has treated you unjustly. You may even feel resentment towards others who appear to have it all (like a loving, caring and strong father).
The following are some points to reflect on to gain some perspective.
1. Be grateful for what you have.
This may be difficult, if you’ve had a very difficult history with your father or with your family. There are many of us who have suffered sexual, emotional or physical abuse by our fathers, and the scars will forever haunt us. But the fact is you have survived it, and there is help to undo some of the damage. Remind yourself that you are not alone, and many of us have overcome our traumatic histories. Also, the miracle of being alive means accepting its unpredictability and our humanity – we are capable of great love, but we also have the potential to cause great pain to others, even our children.
2. Acknowledge the feelings of loss, sadness, anger and pain.
Emotions, like energy, is in a state of entropy. This means unconsciously we are trying to achieve a state of equilibrium, a state of emotional balance. Physical pain is avoidable and something we can manage. But psychic or emotional pain – a defining feature of human experience and therefore unavoidable – must be felt and accepted. It cannot be stuffed away. This would upset the natural course of emotions. Unprocessed emotions will surface down the road, and often it will be more troublesome.
Practically, it means reaching out to someone on a difficult day (Father’s Day, anniversaries, etc.) and talking about how you feel. You will still feel blue afterwards, but you will find comfort. And if your history contains significant loss or trauma, psychotherapy or talk therapy is something you should seriously consider. Avoidance and denial can contain our pain only to a point. Pain needs to have light shined upon it so that it can’t fester in the darkness of memory.
3. Step back from yourself.
If you are reading this chances are you live in the “developed” world. When we become absorbed in our pain and confuse it with physical pain, the primacy of our feelings can skew our perspective. The fact that you are reading this on a computer (whether it’s your own or shared) you are part of the fortunate minority. We have in common a standard of life and freedoms that most people in the globe can’t take for granted. We can bitch about our own lives, the politics of our imperfect countries, but the fact is our lives could be intensely more difficult. This does not mean your private sorrows, losses, and painful biographical facts are meaningless. But, it means recognizing that you are not alone in the world who is suffering. Emotional pain is one thing, but consider what it might be like to lack adequate shelter, access to health care and education, and food and water.
