Surviving Mother's Day Without Mother

Depending on your history Mother's Day can be a mere annoyance or day you want to hide out under the covers. Maybe you lost your mother as a child or as an adult, or your relationship with your mother is beyond repair and you are mutually estranged, or you were adopted and you aren't quite sure how you to make sense of your relationship to your mother(s).

Below are some ideas to help you get through the day. Or they may help you alone in the process of mourning or reconciliation.

1. Acknowledge your feelings When you pause to reflect you may feel many feelings at once, which can be deeply uncomfortable especially if you've never processed your relationship to your mother. You may feel overwhelmed and confused or even conflicted. It's okay. Feelings rise to the surface and they dissipate. Cry if you need to.
   
2. Try not to feel resentful
   No doubt you will see families of various configurations on their way to wherever they are going to celebrate. You will encounter displays of love and affection. As difficult as it may be, try your best to feel happy for them. Recognize you are only seeing the surface and it's impossible to know the backstory.
   
3. Establish a ritual
   If possible arrange to get together with your siblings, other family members or friends who remember your mother. Or, if you are alone, think back and engage in something that remind you of your mother in a positive way. Did your mother like to eat or cook a particular meal? What was her favorite flower? Was there an activity you did with your mother? If it's not too painful, hold or look at mementos or photos that remind you of your mother.
   
4. Connect with your mother
   Write a letter or journal and tell her about how you feel. Tell her you miss her. Tell her something she might be proud of. Dig deep and try to connect and communicate your feelings and thoughts and feelings.
   
5. Get spiritual
   If you are religious attend a church service, light a candle, or say a prayer. Read a book or articles about the lasting connection between mothers and children. Death itself is not final. People may cease to exist in this material world but they continue to exist in memories of the living.
   
6. Nurture
   Obviously if you are a mother, this is a no-brainer, but for others without children, like Anna Jarvis, explore different options that will allow you to care for and nurture others. If you have a pet, be extra attentive and gentle. It could be simple as watering and tending your plants with extra care or maybe you will decide to volunteer to give a part of yourself to others in need.
   
7. Self care If you find yourself feeling sad, empty or lonely, or just plain confused, avoid activities that numb or tune you out from the world and yourself. Self-numbing behaviors can include drinking excessively, using drugs, compulsively surfing the internet or binge watching anything. At its base, self care is recognizing that you operate as a system. And systems require regular maintenance for it to operate optimally. Be sure to get enough sleep, feed yourself regularly, move your body, and connect with nature or whatever you do to feel grounded and solid. Ask yourself what how would your mother take care of you? And, if you were a mother how would you care for your child?
   
8. Distract
   If you lost your mother or broke off with your mother recently and your feelings are too raw, it may be tempting to ruminate or dwell on grief, anger, disappointment, regret, or some combination of difficult feelings. Try to plan ahead and schedule activities, and write them down. Putting them on paper will make it more likely that you will follow through with your plans. 

History of Mother's Day Ironically the woman responsible for making Mother's Day a national holiday never married nor had children of her own. To honor the memory of her own mother Anna Jarvis made it her project to make Mother's Day a national holiday. Her dedication finaly paid off in 1914 when president Woodrow Wilson declared second Sunday of May as Mother's Day. Not long after, however, Jarvis became disillusioned by its co-optation by commercial interests (florists, card companies, department stores) and she unsuccessfully tried to take Mother's Day off the national calendar.

FYI: April Is the Cruelst Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.

excerpt from T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land

Yes, in case you didn't hear, April is child abuse prevention month. The connection between the poem and government-sponsored, PSA-worthy month which goes unnoticed is beyond tenuous. But child abuse is cruel as it makes lasting negative impact for the rest of that child's life, I make no apologies for quoting T.S. Eliot.

As a social worker I am a mandated reporter, which means by state law I have to report to ACS (Administration for Children's Services) suspected cases of child physical, neglect or sexual abuse. Teachers, doctors, psychologists, nurses, police, EMS are also mandated reporters. I am sure I am forgetting a few professions.

Physical and sexual abuse is easy to define and comprehensible by non-professionals. Neglect, however, is a bit more difficult to define. It can mean abandonment — leaving children under the age of 12 unattended, using drugs around minors (cannabis excluded), not having food in the home, children missing school and providing inadequate medical care. Since I am listing them from memory I am sure it's incomplete. Child neglect/emotional abuse is difficult to assess, but it can damage just as much as other forms of abuse.

Working with children can be one of the most rewarding/heart-breaking experiences. Most children end up in therapy due to "benign neglect; their parents (in my case single mothers) simply lack the energy (depression, poverty) or their attention have been compromised by their own needs (boyfriend, job) to be fully emotionally present with their kids (or to provide good-enough parenting). But children are amazingly resilient, and like the way plants forgotten in the corner become revitalized with regular watering and sunlight, children respond to undivided attention and adult presence.

On a couple of occasions, children who were actively being abused were put under my watch. And making that report was heart wrenching knowing what I know about the overburdened system. It felt like I was handing a child over to a barely functioning bureaucracy with my fingers crossed, hoping their welfare didn't deteriorate.

For a brief overview on the lasting impact of childhood trauma, go here.

NCA PSA 2013 "Stand Up, Step Forward" from Ian Buchanan on Vimeo.