Anxiety in Choosing

Whether you are looking to purchase your first home, choosing an outfit for that first date or job interview, or deciding to marry or move-in together with your boyfriend or girlfriend, making decisions can be a harrowing process.

If the decision involves a lot of money it will raise all sorts of associated worries. Do I have enough money? Will I have to cut back on something else to cover the investment? If something goes wrong what will happen to my future? Will I become homeless or need to work two jobs?

If you need to decide the fate of a romantic relationship, anxieties in the form of ambivalence may rise. You can love and feel affection for someone while secretly harboring concerns about them: Will they become financially and emotionally dependent on me? Will their quirks become full-blown craziness down the road? What sort of parents are they going to become? Will they become their parents?

Ambivalence is the experience of feeling two opposing emotions simultaneously. The ambivalent partner may feel weighed down by guilt and confusion: If I really loved this person I shouldn't be feeling this way... so the thought goes. But is there anything in life that is wholly black and white?

The fact is we are constantly choosing. We make decisions each and every moment. We don't notice because for the most part these decisions are miniscule and inconsequential: a poorly thought-out outfit probably isn't going to affect your future too much. Also, when we make the same decision repeatedly (mindlessly, without thinking) we forget we are choosing.

One aspect of being a mature human being is that inevitably we have to make a big decision that will affect the rest of our lives. The option to not choose is really not an option (remember Bartleby the Scrivener?).  The other option is to live off the grid and live independently, freed from social conventions and modern amenities.

Here is a very good piece of marketing — profound and entertaining at the same time!



More on decisions and decision-making process later.

P.S. I condone moderate drinking, as does Jim Beam and Willem Dafoe, I am sure.

How to Drink Moderately

These are some suggestions that I use with my clients.
By no means is the list complete. 

• Eat something before getting to the bar or party.

• Have a plan for the evening: How long will you stay?
Who are you going to be with?
Know when you will be home.
Goal is to avoid open-ended nights.

• Limit yourself to only one drink within a 30-minute period.

• Limit yourself to 4 drinks for men and 3 for women and the weekly maximum of 14 for men and 9 for women as recommended by the National Institute of Health for moderate-risk drinking.

• Know what a “drink” is. Remember, a pint is 16 ounces.
Drinks you have with dinner also count. 

• 12 fluid ounces of beer (about 5% alcohol)
• 8 to 9 fluid ounces of malt liquor (about 7% alcohol)
• 5 fluid ounces of table wine (about 12% alcohol)
• 1.5 fluid ounces of hard liquor (about 40% alcohol)

• Keep in mind BAC (BloodAlcohol Content) and think about why it’s important. Maintaining a BAC lower than .06%* is crucial to moderate drinking because our ability to reason becomes impaired at this point. It is the point of no return for problem drinkers. Even if the intention is to limit alcohol intake, if the BAC is higher than .06% you are more likely to continue drinking. Binge drinking is defined as having a BAC of .08% or higher.
*Disclaimer: these recommendations are for people who don't plan on driving a car. Remember, riding a bike under the influence is dangerous and against the law.
Drivers, please consult regulations for your state.

• Alternate between alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks.

• Drink water in between drinks.

• Nosh on snacks while drinking. 

• Tell others, friends and acquaintances, of your intention to drink moderately, if you feel they would be supportive.

• Ask yourself what is the primary goal of the event? Is it social
or just for alcohol consumption? If it’s the latter, rethink who you are hanging out with. 

• Plan activities that don’t automatically involve alcohol.
Be creative.

• If you always drank at a certain time, for example after work, have a plan in place for those off nights. Go to the gym, go for a run or plan an outdoor activity. Go to the movies. 

• Remind yourself of the reasons why you want to drink moderately. For example, the hangover next day; money spent on drinks, cabs and food; the pride in knowing that you can practice self control.

• Practice mindfulness with alcohol. Is your goal to enjoy the taste of that IPA or red wine? How does it taste? What is its texture? Describe what you observe about your experience of drinking
and the people around you.

• Notice how alcohol affects people differently. How do you think alcohol affects you?

• Write in your journal about the experience. 

• Remind yourself that it gets easier the more you practice it.

• List the benefits of moderate drinking in the same journal.

• Know how alcohol interacts with the medications (over the counter or prescription) you take. Often, medications amplify the effects of alcohol, so let that be the guide in what moderate drinking looks like for you.

If you have other ideas, add them below.

What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Love

Rather than roses, chocolates and glittering jewels, I’d like to discuss, today being Valentine’s Day, the other side of contemporary dating life: blisters, warts, shame and embarrassment. In a culture that glamorizes sexuality at every opportunity, the unpleasant outcomes of active sexuality do not receive the necessary attention it deserves. Sexually transmitted diseases (STD) and infections (STI), which are solely medical conditions, suggest promiscuity, immorality, uncleanness and other equally unsavory connotations. Because of these culturally objectionable associations, many people newly diagnosed with a STI or STD, confine it to themselves after a hasty conversation with their doctor. And, of course, there is the Internet, the vast public forum for both pertinent medical information, and misinformation and opinions that perpetuate the stigma around sexual illness and sexuality. 

Shame and guilt, when not named and brought out to air, fester and gain momentum and significance. Repression and denial may be effective for a short time, but, eventually, the emotional impact requires processing; otherwise, the original shame and guilt will seep into other parts of life. As difficult as it may seem, what it means to have a STD or STI needs to be talked about. Exploring your feelings now will be better for your emotional and physical health in the long run. You can talk about it with someone in your life who is nonjudgmental, mature and caring, such as a close friend, parents, confidant, partner or a therapist. In addition, it is also very important to understand it from the medical perspective; this is necessary to protect your health in the future.

This topic brings up so many issues, I will make sure to write more on this very soon. 

Thank you for reading.