What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Love

Rather than roses, chocolates and glittering jewels, I’d like to discuss, today being Valentine’s Day, the other side of contemporary dating life: blisters, warts, shame and embarrassment. In a culture that glamorizes sexuality at every opportunity, the unpleasant outcomes of active sexuality do not receive the necessary attention it deserves. Sexually transmitted diseases (STD) and infections (STI), which are solely medical conditions, suggest promiscuity, immorality, uncleanness and other equally unsavory connotations. Because of these culturally objectionable associations, many people newly diagnosed with a STI or STD, confine it to themselves after a hasty conversation with their doctor. And, of course, there is the Internet, the vast public forum for both pertinent medical information, and misinformation and opinions that perpetuate the stigma around sexual illness and sexuality. 

Shame and guilt, when not named and brought out to air, fester and gain momentum and significance. Repression and denial may be effective for a short time, but, eventually, the emotional impact requires processing; otherwise, the original shame and guilt will seep into other parts of life. As difficult as it may seem, what it means to have a STD or STI needs to be talked about. Exploring your feelings now will be better for your emotional and physical health in the long run. You can talk about it with someone in your life who is nonjudgmental, mature and caring, such as a close friend, parents, confidant, partner or a therapist. In addition, it is also very important to understand it from the medical perspective; this is necessary to protect your health in the future.

This topic brings up so many issues, I will make sure to write more on this very soon. 

Thank you for reading.

Rethinking How and Why You Drink

I’ve tried to define risky or heavy drinking in a prior post. Naturally, a post on why one may want to consider cutting back or drink moderately follows.

First, I’d like to distinguish alcoholism from alcohol abuse,
i.e. risky/heavy drinking, by making the distinction between physical dependence on alcohol from psychological dependence.

I am primarily concerned with psychological dependence and its relationship to emotional health. 

The following are the most common reasons/beliefs why people say they drink:

1. Alcohol makes me feel less shy and more social
2. Drinking alcohol makes socializing more fun
3. I am more interesting and fun to be with when I am drinking
4. I am more myself when I am drinking
5. Alcohol relaxes me
6. Alcohol unwinds me from stresses of life
7. Drinking makes me forget my troubles
8. I am more creative when I am drinking

These reasons, for the most part, are valid and supported by the fact that alcohol has been around just as long as we have. There is no denying that ethyl alcohol, the active chemical compound in alcohol, does relax the brain and body, initially.

One possible explanation for how drinking becomes problematic maybe because of habits. Once we hold an idea of ourselves to be true – I am more social and friendly after a couple of beers or alcohol helps me to relax – the repetition of the behavior, or the habit, reinforces the belief which first initiated the behavior. We begin to believe that drinking alcohol is the ONLY way we can be relaxed, be more social and have fun in a social setting. In a sense, we become trapped by the beliefs we have about ourselves. We become the person who we believe we are.

But we can’t be sure this is true, even though it may have been true in high school or college when we first started drinking. But, we can discover new parts of ourselves by doing the same things differently or trying new things.

By questioning established beliefs or behaviors and trying new ideas, we learn new aspects of our personalities, expanding our idea of who we are. As our self-image or self-concept expands, so does our self-esteem, which makes incorporating new ways of thinking and behaving easier.

Practical application of this theory to problem drinking would be to see how it feels to go out and not drink or limit how much you drink so that you don’t go beyond the threshold where alcohol influences your ability to make decisions. 

I recommend to my clients who have identified heavy drinking as a problem to abstain from alcohol for 30 days. During these 30 days, they are encouraged to think deeply about their relationship to alcohol and decide how they might go about changing it. They may decide to stop drinking all together or try to moderate their drinking.

This period of self reflection is not an easy one. Many people will give up, because it would mean dealing with their anxiety and depression. It is demanding work, and change does not take place over night.

To be continued...